On the surface, everything with him is fine. On the way to the wedding we talked. He doesn’t want out. He said he’s done a long distance relationship before and that it sucked. But he wants to give this thing a shot, for his own sake. It should have made me feel better. So should have dancing with him at the reception, and the way he let me hold his hand on the train ride back, and the fantastic sex we had that night. All of it should have made me so fucking happy. But I’m not. I’m just even more scared that he’s regretting his decision, that he’s thinking about other girls, that he’s deliberately ignoring my texts, because that’s certainly how it feels like right now. I think I’m falling in love, here. And there’s a part of me that is getting harder and harder to ignore, a part that is saying, ‘end this.’ Because I’ve forgotten that one of my relationships, my last very serious one, ended up being long distance. Chris eventually went back to Michigan while I was still doing my thing last year. I remember he came and saw me and nonchalantly told me he had had a threesome at Western Michigan University. Our relationship didn’t last much longer after that. But this was the guy who fucked with my emotions so much that I got sick, and was incapable of eating meat for about a month. I got so anxious that my body literally stopped producing stomach acid, and I couldn’t break down certain foods. I would throw up, every time. That has been my experience with love and long distance. So…maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that part of me wants to run so badly. Abandon this now, because it’s going to be tougher than I remembered, tougher than I realized, and I’m just not sure it’s worth it to me. I was so in love with Chris, and in the end I threw him out of my apartment because I just couldn’t take the fear anymore. But at the same time…if this is what I’m starting to think it is…if this is me falling, really falling, then isn’t it worth the risk? The going gets tough, and I want to split? That’s what I always do. And I don’t want to do that anymore. But I can’t live with this awful feeling in my stomach either. I can’t be physically here, with my mind miles away. I have a fortune cookie message taped to my mirror. It says, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” Well, I have always run. And I have always wound up alone. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to do a long distance relationship if I perpetually feel like this. I don’t want a long distance relationship, but I really really really want him. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
